Trigger Warning:

_{(Because I've been hissed at before by some people (I don't know if it was here because I rarely - if ever - post here) who can't read simple stuff without flipping out, here's the warning...)}

* * * This includes talk of therapy, doctors, family crap, medication, a frustrated tone, cursing, etc. and whatever else I need to get off my chest. Reader digression is advised. I won't list in detail every little thing I need to talk about in the warning because that kind of defeats the purpose. If you don't think you can handle reading any further, please just don't read. This warning exists because I don't censor myself - aka there's no censoring crap beyond this point. * * *

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UPDATE: See below (at bottom) for more...

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Okay, so... fun stuff happened today. And by fun, I mean I fuckin' hated it. First, I hate doctors. Like, anyone who's certified to stick me with something pointy, I fuckin' hate 'em. Nothing personal, obviously, I just so do NOT want to deal with the hell of being told I'm a pansy for having an extreme phobia. Last one I was to waved the object of said phobia in my face and I threw up on her shoes. Ha! Yeah, wasn't so funny at the time, but makes for a good story afterwards, I guess.

Right, so I'm like, terrified to the point of panic attacks, throwing up, going into shock (complete with shakes, fever, chills - yeah, all the really fun stuff) when needles are involved. Oddly, I'm fine with tattooing, piercing, sewing, etc. - none of that bothers me. It's just the medical stuff that freaks me out like all hell. Even talking about it in too much detail sends me into panics. I've had 'friends' that have used that weakness against me, too... so to any of you who think it's oh, so funny to use it and LOL at my misery... yeah. Not cool. Some people just don't have any dignity at all.

And speaking of limits to how low you can go... what happened today had me pretty far gone. I went to the doctor like I promised someone I would. I've had migraines most of my life and have sort of just adapted to dealing with 'em. At least, until a few months ago. They didn't get suddenly bad, but I started having blackouts again. I haven't had blackouts since I was a kid... probably close to a good ten or so years ago.

But recently some stressful stuff happened and suddenly I had two blackouts in less than a month. Said stressful stuff escalated and... long story short, there was a break-up and I moved from Orlando, FL where I'd lived for the past two years with my then-boyfriend back home to Michigan, where I was born and raised. Things have changed a lot since I moved to Florida in march of 2010 - the parents got divorced, the middle sister is a compulsive liar and is probably (like I'd bet damned good money on it, but she won't see anyone to get diagnosed, help, etc. because the world's out to get her and all that) a paranoid schizophrenic like our mother. Mom (who I'm living with) has since moved (after the divorce) to a much smaller house out in the country. My youngest sis (whom I love) just moved out, so it's just me and Vicki (mom) living here. While I love her dearly, she can be a bit of a handful when she's off the meds.

All of this is obviously causing a bit of stress for us. Combine all this with a major System change-over within the past year and several alters being sort of 'redefined' in their roles - things are hectic. So yeah, migraines getting worse was pretty much a given. What to do, right? So I went to the doctor, like you're supposed to. Except I hate this woman. I've been avoiding her for years, but she's the only one that was available for an appointment within the next month or so and I'd promised to get this crap checked out, especially after having to leave work because of another bad headache the other day. I decided I'd procrastinated enough and went to go see the doctor. How bad could it be, right? I'd been told that in the three years since I'd seen her she'd had kids and toned down a lot. Yeah, I could give her another chance...

STUPID CHOICE. She's the same pill-pushing psycho bitch that likes to hear herself talk, belittle her patients and treat anyone she sees like they're retarded. She gave me a one-time prescription for some drug that I'd already had for the migraines years ago and have told her several times (including at the visit today) that it does nothing. NOTHING. Except taste like shit. Which really doesn't help anything.

As always, she asked why I'm not taking meds for depression, OCD, BPD, anxiety and...what else? Being alive? Because I'm sure that's a disorder now, too. I explained that fuck no, I'm not taking a medi-fuckin'-cocktail every god-damned day because they fucked with me and screwed me more than they'd ever helped. That, and getting poked with the culprit of my obnoxiously ridiculous phobia twice a month and being told "oh your levels are off (because you're on nearly 20 different pills! Har-de-fuckin'-harhar!) we have to adjust your dose of XYZ and ABC and 123 and poke you again next week!" does NOT help me with anxiety issues and fuckin' panic attacks! I tried explaining this to crazy-woman-with-a-stethoscope, but she went on some long story about how this girl her friend's friend knew dropped dead in the high school cafeteria because she didn't take her meds and blah blah thought she was okay blah blah. First, none of my shit is life fuckin' threatening. Second... what the fuck does this random chick - who may or may not be some story to get me on the drugs (that I'm sure she's making some sort of profit from prescribing to everyone and their mother) - have to do with me? I asked what the girl died from and what drugs she was on and was told, "that isn't the point." Bull-freakin'-shit, woman!

Okay, so she decided that I need to get over my needle phobia so that she can jack me on a bunch of pills - that I refuse to take regardless of what she says and have been flat out telling her to get fucked for years whenever she shoves 'em at me - and told me I need to see a psychiatrist (someone who can prescribe medication for mental health shit.) Hahaha! How's about FUCK NO. She's insistent that I get over the phobia that I've been trying to get over for years and it's gotten worse - not better. Why? So she can pop me full of shit that will do more harm than good. She told me "well, I could give you a huge dose of Valium (aka Diazepam - a sedative [link]) to make you relax so we can draw blood for testing your levels." Oh, yeah, like a high-level dose of a prescription sedative won't fuck up the levels you're testing for? Why are the 'educated' people so fuckin' retarded?!

I don't cry easily, and I like, NEVER cry in front of people. (long story about why, not relevant to today's bitch-rant.) But okay, I choked up in the exam room today. I couldn't choke HER, so I had to shove down so much frustration, hate, anger that I ended up digging nails into my arms, biting my lip and trying not to cry. I failed. She tried to hug me. Why the fuck do people ALWAYS try to touch someone when the person's upset?! If I could have screamed past the tightness in my throat, I'd have told her to get the fuck away from me, no touching! She hugged me. I tried to breathe... and ended up inhaling her very strong "I need a maaan!" cheap-ass perfume. Yeah, today fuckin' sucked eggs.

That said... yes, I think I really DO need to see someone. Fuck a psychiatrist - I don't trust them. Not a damned bit. But a psychologist? Yeah. I need a therapist. Badly. I've been procrastinating it for too long. Now that I'm back in Michigan and living a lot closer to his new office, I decided to contact my old therapist (the one that originally diagnosed us as MPD years ago) and see if he had openings or could refer someone. I left a message. Just hearing that man's voicemail helped, brought back good memories. That really says something for your shrink when you like 'em so much. I mean, we still exchange Christmas cards every year, even though I haven't seen him in a decade.

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- UPDATE -

I just spoke with my original therapist (the one who originally diagnosed us as MPD) and have some great news! His practice moved to the new location and he doesn't just deal with children's therapy anymore - now he's all ages. He pulled some strings and was able to get me in for an appointment on June 2nd - and even managed to somehow reroute my insurance so that he can accept it through his office (through some third-party company thing.) I seriously love this man...!

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TL, DR:

I hate pill-pushy doctors and needed to get some related issues off my chest. Any comments, suggestions, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

_{And yeah, this is how I usually am when I'm frustrated. I'm not really an ass. Kind of. Just... me, I guess? Point is, I don't mean to sound like a totally vulgar, whiny little bitch. I promise.}

- Tobias (aka Tae, Tohbe, what-the-fuck-ever you guys'd call me)